Questions for Different Age Groups

10/19/09 | Gordon McDonald

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            When I engaged with twenty-somethings, for example, who were just entering the adult years, I found them preoccupied with clarifying their identity. What kind of a man or woman am I becoming, they were likely to wonder, and how am I different from my mother or father? They were asking, Where can I find a few friends who will welcome me as I am and who will offer the familylike connections that I need / or never had? Or, Can I love, and am I lovable? These are relational questions, of course, and I could feel the discomfort of those in their twenties until they get answered. I found fear of rejection, loneliness, and the feeling that one might not fit. No wonder there were so many goings and comings among twenty-somethings, compelling a person toward one group or another, one friend or another. One needs to find a place, a people to whom one can belong.

            The twenties are a time when one asks, What will I do with my life? What is it that I really want in exchange for my life's labors? Most denied that the key desire of life was for material wealth; the preference was for work that offered significance, a feeling of making a difference. Teaching, counseling, and work in the nonprofit sector were important possibilities. Of course, a bundle of folk said they were quite happy just to land a job-any passable job-that provides the income base for a reasonably secure life and some fun.

            Twenty-somethings are becoming aware that they can no longer get away with irresponsible or unsocial behavior. Life patterns, habits, and personality quirks need adjustment if one is to get along. So the question, what parts of me and my life need correction? arises.

            It is also not surprising that people in their twenties wrestle with the so-called lordship question: Around what person or conviction will! I organize my life? Perhaps this is the mother of all questions (for every age, actually), but it reaches a point of great significance as one comes to the realization that the game of life is no longer the amateur game of the teen years. Now it is a serious matter with increasingly serious consequences, and one must identify an organizing principle that will bring the pieces of life into order. That principle, the Bible-embracing person believes, is really a person: Jesus Christ---His saving power, His call, His teachings.

            What happens when twenty-somethings turn into thirty-somethings? The questions and issues begin to shift. The longer-range responsibilities of life begin to accumulate, and one's sense of personal freedom is compromised as more permanent relationships and commitments are made.

            Since there is usually an expansion of responsibility and no expansion of time, thirty-somethings find themselves asking the question, how do I prioritize the demands being made on my life? There are spouses to love and know more intimately, children who need endless amounts of attention, and jobs/careers that absorb energy. Homes must be maintained, bills paid, obligations to organizations met. Suddenly one must budget the yesses and the noes of life, and these decisions are not simply or easily made.

            The career options of a person's life may have seemed clearer and simpler in the twenties. But now, in the thirties, one can begin to see that there are winners and losers, as well as also-rans (those who simply finish unnoticed in the middle of the pack). And the question forms: How far can I go in fulfilling my sense of purpose?

            Because thirty-somethings are so busy getting life's routines established, there is little growing realization that one's primary community is changing. The friends of youth (and even of the twenties) have split, gone off in different directions (some married, some single, many moved on to other parts of the world). And another question arises: Who are the people with whom I know I walk through life?

            For many men, the thirties are the beginning of the onset of male loneliness. New male friendships are not easily made nor do they often measure up to the kind of friendships one used to enjoy.  Old friends have drifted away; often, new acquaintances simply do not have the time to build the satisfying relationships that were part of the younger years.

            Spiritual life changes for people in their thirties. The spiritual questions no longer center on the ideals of youth but on the realities of a life that is tough and unforgiving. There is little time for the long discussions with a mentor, the youth retreats and programs, the times of hanging out that marked earlier days. Now life’s requirements offer little time for contemplation and spiritual revitalization. Most thirty-somethings who seek a spiritual component to life will tell you that words like empty, tired, confused, and drifting mingle in their thoughts in a way they never expected. Thus these questions materialize: What does my spiritual life look like?  Do I even have time for one?

             It's a quiet, nagging question that comes in moments when one feels that he or she has failed. Thirty-somethings are likely to see things in themselves they thought they might have overcome by now, simply by growing up. But things they once anticipated they would shake off haven't gone away. And thirty-somethings find themselves asking, why am I not a better person?

            There are new questions that pop up in one's forties. The complexities of life further accelerate, and----and this is worrisome----we begin to recognize that we can no longer fob off our flaws and failures as youthfulness and inexperience. We are, as they say, grown-up.  We are expected to handle the bumps and bruises of life with an unshakable courage. Panic and fear are for younger (and older?) people. But in one's forties, the expectation is that one is solid.

            Still ... there are questions. As I will illustrate in another part of this book, the question arises, who was I as a child, and what powers back then influence the kind of person I am today? We would have laughed at this question in our twenties, but now it becomes a rather serious one for more than a few.

            Why do some people seem to be doing better than I? Why am I often disappointed in myself and others? Why are limitations beginning to outnumber options?

            I believe the forties to be dangerous, uncharted waters for a lot of us. Lots of things begin to happen for which many of us are not prepared. Bodies change. Children become more independent, even begin to leave home. Marriages have to be readjusted to face new realities. Some of us begin to enjoy financial leverage; others of us begin to assume that we will never be materially secure. Some give up the fight to achieve lifelong goals and settle into a defensive posture of living. Others miss their youth and its seeming excitement so much that they try going backward to retrieve earlier pleasures.

            Forty-somethings may ask, why do I seem to face so many uncertainties? But others may begin plotting a second life, a second career. What can I do to make a greater contribution to my generation? Or, what would it take to pick up a whole new calling in life and do the thing I've always wanted to do? If one listens carefully, he might hear the word trapped used in the questions that now arise.

            A few wise forty-somethings may seek a ninety-day sabbatical. They will strip their lives down to bare metal and evaluate their life-journeys to this point. They'll take a hard look at their spiritual journeys, their personal relationships, their convictions about money and possessions, how they contribute their energies and resources. And when the assessment is over, they will have plotted a whole new course for the second half of life. A very exciting adventure for brave people.

            Fifty-somethings would often prefer not to think about it, but the fact is that they have moved across life's middle. Now one finds him or herself wondering how many years are left. The news of friends dying, marriages dissolving, and people moving to places of retirement increases. It can be a time for sober thinking.

John Dean of Watergate fame-wrote:

My view [of my life] has been backward, not forward ... and I have been dwelling on the trivial, on the insignificant too much. Time is running out and I must come to terms with my life. The days for fantasizing great achievements are gone. Ambitions and goals must be realistic if I want to avoid great disappointment at the end.

            So those in the fifties may ask, why is time moving so fast? Because it is moving so fast. It seems as if yesterday was Christmas, and tomorrow is Christmas. Go figure! We look at contemporaries and they suddenly look very old to us. Surely we have not aged that much!

            Why is my body becoming unreliable? How do I deal with my failures and my successes? How can my spouse and I reinvigorate our relationship now that the children are gone? For those who haven’t reached these questions yet, may I say, “Get ready!” Each will come at you, often without warning. It is worth getting a head start on them.

            Who are these young people who want to replace me? It is a frightening moment when one discovers that younger people may know more than I, maybe willing to work longer and harder than I am willing to work, and may be impatient for me to move over and give them the same chance to prove themselves that I once demanded.

            What do I do with my doubts and fears? Will we have enough money for the retirement years if there are health problems and economic downturns? These questions loom in our fifties.

            The sixty-year-old asks: When do I stop doing the things that have always defined me? Why do I feel ignored by a large part of the younger population? Why am I curious about who is listed in the obituary column of the papers, how they died, and what kinds of lives they lived?

            The sixty-something wonders what is yet to be accomplished, and do I have enough time to do all the things I’ve dreamed about in the past? He or she may not want to admit it, but the question hovers, who will be around me when I die? And, if married, which one of us will go first, and what is it like to say good-bye to someone with whom you have shared so many years of life?

For more than a few, these are the years when doubts and fears may arise in quiet moments. Are the things I’ve believed in capable of taking me to the end? Is there really life after death? What do I regret? And what are the chief satisfactions of these many years of living? What have I done that will outlive me?

            Perhaps the seventies and eighties blend together and share several kinds of questions. Now one is curious and asks these things: Does anyone realize, or even care, who l once was? Is anyone aware that I once owned [or managed] a business, threw a mean curveball, taught school, possessed a beautiful solo voice, had an attractive face? Is my story important to anyone?

            How much of my life can I still control? they add. Some must stop driving. Others will have to surrender the administration of their finances to a younger person. Many will live in communities where most of life is scheduled for them.

            Is there anything I can still contribute? Not everyone wants to sit or simply play. The body may be old, but some of us still want to make a difference. Can we?

            Why this anger and irritability? Is God really there for me? Am I ready to face death? And when I die (how will it happen?), will I be missed, or will the news of my death bring relief?

            Heaven? What is it like?